5 Ways to Set Healthy Boundaries Without Feeling Guilty
Your coworker or friend taps you on the shoulder, asking if you can do them a quick favor. Without a second thought, you nod yes. But the next thing you know, you’re kicking yourself as you fall behind on your own to-do list. All because you didn’t want to feel bad about saying no. We’ve all been there.
So how do you learn to set boundaries so this doesn’t happen in the first place?
Setting boundaries is hard because you don’t want to let people down. You don’t want another person to feel like you don’t care. Yet this often ends up leading to resentment, blame, and disappointment. Both in personal and professional relationships.
That’s why building the skill of setting healthy boundaries is key to your own peace of mind and mental health.
If you ever feel unrecognized, unappreciated, or mistreated by others, the following tips will help you set healthy boundaries without feeling guilty about it.
Why setting boundaries is important
What exactly are healthy boundaries? Think of them as lines you draw on what kind of behavior you will or will not tolerate from someone.
Setting boundaries helps you:
Protect your physical, mental, and emotional needs
To maintain optimal well-being on all levels, you have to take care of yourself first! You need boundaries so you have the time and energy to dedicate to self-care on a regular basis. Otherwise, you’ll feel like you’re giving your time away without giving your body, mind, and soul the attention they truly deserve.
Improve communication in relationships
Contrary to what you may fear, when you tell people ahead of time what you need and what you won’t tolerate, they’ll often respect you more. This will allow both of you to bring your full selves into the relationship so you can communicate openly, honestly, and fearlessly.
Serve and care for other people better
Because your boundaries allow you to take care of YOU first, you’re in a much better position to take care of others. You have the energy, passion, and enthusiasm to be fully present in all your roles — whether as a partner, parent, boss, or employee.
“When you say ‘yes’ to others, make sure you’re not saying ‘no’ to yourself.” - Paul Coelho
Reduce toxic emotions and resentment ahead of time
Not setting (and enforcing) boundaries can be toxic to relationships as well as to your mental health. It creates resentment, anger, blame, or shame. Not only does this harm your personal well-being, but it also negatively affects your communication with the other person.
If you don’t express your needs, you may feel anger toward the other person or frustration at yourself. If you don’t find a healthy way to express these emotions [link to blog on dealing with difficult emotions], your resentment may unintentionally sneak its way into your next interaction with the same person whom you didn’t want to disappoint in the first place through a snarky or sarcastic comment.
So here are 5 tips to help you set the right boundaries so you can prevent toxic emotions like resentment from building up in the first place.
Let yourself off the hook for their feelings
One of the reasons it feels so hard to set boundaries is the fear of offending someone. You may even be afraid that they won’t talk to you again. But the opposite is often true.
When you clearly communicate your needs, you’re showing the other person your confidence in their ability to manage their feelings. They will appreciate your honesty, making it more likely they’ll be comfortable interacting with you in the future.
Think of it from your own perspective. Do you get mad when someone you love sets a boundary? While you may feel caught off guard at first, eventually you probably feel glad. They took the guesswork out for you so you know how to interact with them in a way that works for you both!
“The only people who get upset about you setting boundaries are the ones who were benefiting from you having none.” - Unknown
2. Choose boundaries that protect your well-being
After you recognize that it’s not your job to change how someone feels about your preferences, it’s time to decide on your most important boundaries. Start with some reflection to uncover your own needs.
Ask yourself questions like:
What drains your energy on a daily basis?
What do you need more of in your life to feel energized and well?
What are the most important tasks you need to get done on a daily basis?
How do you not want people to treat you?
What boundaries have others crossed in the past that bother you most?
One of the reasons many of us skimp on self-care is because of unexpected “obligations” like saying yes to things that aren’t our priority. So list your most important priorities each day, including self-care activities like rest, exercising, eating well, or meditating. Before you accept an outside obligation, consider how your body or mind might feel if you do so at the expense of self-care.
3. Listen to your body and instincts
When someone says, does, or asks you for something that doesn’t feel aligned with your needs, you can feel it in your body. You may sense a knot in your stomach, a tightness in your chest, or your fingers shaking.
Get familiar with the physical signals you feel when your boundaries are about to get crossed. That will make it easier for you to know when to take action to enforce your boundaries.
The next time you feel this sensation in your body, pause for a moment so you can get in touch with what would be best for you in the long-term. Practicing mindfulness on a consistent basis can help you become more attuned to your body and your feelings so this becomes easier.
“Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others.” - Brené Brown
4. Communicate your boundaries clearly
You know when someone has crossed a boundary because you can feel it in your body. But the other person often has no idea that there was ever a boundary to begin with. If you didn’t communicate it to them, how would they know?
Because we’re often immersed in our own mental world, we forget that everyone has a different idea of what a boundary is. With our unique needs, values, and cultural backgrounds determining our boundaries, we have to clearly state what exactly is or isn’t acceptable so we don’t leave the other person guessing.
Sometimes a boundary could be as clear as just saying “no.” Learn to get comfortable with saying “no” without justifying it with this helpful article that lists 80 ways to say no politely.
5. Use mindfulness to boost your resilience
Setting boundaries takes courage at first. It requires a level of self-awareness to recognize your needs and express them effectively. Mindfulness is a great way to build the resilience to have conversations that might feel intimidating at first.
When you meditate, you’ll come up against uncomfortable feelings, thoughts, or emotions arising. As you practice sitting with these without reacting to them, you build the neural networks of resilience in your brain. When a challenging situation arises in daily life — like having to set boundaries — you’re able to navigate it from a space of confidence and composure.
Practice and strengthen your resilience, get in touch with your innermost needs, and build mindful communication skills by joining our next Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) class. Sign up here to benefit from this science-backed program that will also help you reduce stress and anxiety.
