Stop Reacting and Respond With Intention and Calm

We all do it sometimes…

• Unintentionally lash out at a loved one and later regret it

• Start yelling at the driver who cut us off in traffic

• Get into loops of negative thinking when we hear that something didn’t turn out the way we expected

• Or reach for another serving of our favorite comfort food when we know our stomach is already full

It’s almost like your body reacts without you even thinking about these things. 

So when it comes to the most important areas of your life right now, are you reacting or responding?

There’s a part of you that knows how you’d ideally want to respond when faced with a challenging or a stressful situation. But in the heat of the moment, it seems impossible. It turns out there’s a biological reason for this.

Here we explore why you may sometimes feel like you can’t help your natural reactions and how you can use mindfulness to recognize your response - and then change it. We also offer the mindfulness practice of STOP that you can use as a tool to make your responses more intentional and beneficial.

What does reacting look and feel like?

You’re driving to an appointment and someone cuts you off in the middle of traffic. How do you react? Keep this example in mind as we illustrate the difference between reacting and responding and what happens in your body and mind.

For most people, the initial reaction when they’re cut off in traffic is one of anger. The brain senses a potential danger. Its automatic fight-or-flight response is triggered before you can even think about it. Your heart beats faster. Stress chemicals like cortisol pump through your veins. You might yell at the person in the car even if they’re already way ahead of you. Your day might seem to get worse as you think about all the other negative things that might happen.

Yet there’s a moment when you first feel the stress spreading through your body. This is a moment of power. A moment in which mindfulness can help you change the direction of what the rest of your drive (and your day) will look like.

“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” - Viktor Frankl

Understand and recognize your brain’s automatic reactions

Reacting with anger, frustration, or disappointment when challenges come up isn’t anything to feel bad about. It’s a built-in biological response that your brain uses to protect you. 

In the middle of your brain, there’s a little almond shaped area called the amygdala. Your amygdala reacts at the first hint of potential danger - whether that’s physical danger or something in your mind. 

That’s why it feels like your body responds even before you can think. When the amygdala’s fear response is triggered, you get defensive. You might notice yourself doing or saying things you later regret because they came from a space of fear, confusion, or anger. 

The good news is that mindfulness practice can help you train your brain to pause and slow down…even in the heat of life’s challenging moments. Research shows that mindfulness can actually improve emotional regulation and resilience during stressful times by reducing activity in the amygdala.

What does responding intentionally look and feel like?

Responding means that when something happens, you have the space within to pause and decide how you want to show up in the next moment. As you practice intentional responding, you build resilience. You’re less subject to being hijacked by the body’s fight or flight response. You feel more at ease and confident in your ability to respond without greater emotional intelligence.

So what would an intentional response look like so your whole day doesn’t get ruined by a stressful or challenging situation? When someone cuts you off in traffic, you’ll still feel that rush of adrenaline flowing through your veins. But if you’ve practiced mindfulness, you might now be familiar with how that sense of adrenaline feels in your body. 

You notice that getting angry is your brain’s conditioned response (or what you might call that instinctive reaction). You have the inner space to contemplate the fact that getting angry is probably not going to solve anything. So you keep driving. Perhaps you even send compassion and love to the other driver who’s rushing so intensely. Not because you’re some sort of superhuman. But because you know that the only thing you can control to keep this situation from ruining your day is how you respond.

Shift from reacting to responding with S.T.O.P.

The S.T.O.P. practice is a great mindfulness exercise that you can do anywhere at any time. It comes in especially handy when something unexpected or challenging comes up throughout the day. It can take as little as one minute or you can spend more time on each part of the practice if you wish.

Here’s what STOP stands for and how to do it:

• S: Stop what you’re doing. Literally, take a moment to pause and stop.

• T: Take a deep breath or two. Feel what it’s like to be breathing and to be alive right this moment. 

• O: Observe what’s happening in your mind and body without judgment. Observe what’s present at the different levels of your being: physical (tense shoulders, tight jaw, stomach troubles), mental (irrational thoughts, lack of joy), and emotional (grumpy, angry, listless, overactive). 

• P: Proceed with a greater level of awareness and intentionality. This is where you can choose to respond differently. Perhaps if you’re in a difficult conversation, you can practice setting healthy boundaries or assertive communication techniques.  Or if you find yourself struggling with the inner critic, you can respond by giving yourself some self-compassion.

At first, it may seem difficult not to react to something that would’ve caused you stress in the past. That’s why it’s so important to have “practice runs” every day. 

When you practice getting still while there are no difficulties arising, perhaps first thing when you wake up, it’s much easier to recall this state of mind when something happens that would normally trigger an impulsive reaction.

Use mindfulness practice to keep calm and carry on

Rather than using this or any other mindfulness practice only in the heat of the moment, try it when you feel safe and in the comfort of your own home. Integrate the practice into a morning routine so that it’ll be easier to pause and respond intentionally when something unexpected does come up throughout the day.

Learn more about how to make mindfulness work for you in a Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) class. Sign up here and feel confident in your ability to respond from a greater sense of calm no matter what happens around you.