Practice Mindful Communication for Deeper and More Meaningful Interactions
How much of today did you spend interacting with other people? Whether talking to your partner, best friend, or co-worker, you probably spend at least a portion of each day communicating with others. And yes, communicating through online methods like Zoom or Skype counts.
The ability to express yourself and respond to others freely can be a source of great joy and meaning. Yet it can also lead to tension or conflict in personal and professional relationships. Perhaps you’ve lashed out at a loved one or even a stranger and later regretted it? It doesn’t have to be this way.
Like other interpersonal skills, communication is something that you can keep improving over time. As you practice engaging with others in meaningful and mindful ways, you’ll notice the quality of your relationships deepen.
I’ve found that practicing mindful communication can help us learn new ways to bring more confidence and clarity to our interactions with others while expressing ourselves fully and authentically.
What is mindful communication, and how does it relate to mindfulness?
Mindfulness is the practice of coming fully into the moment and noticing what’s happening within and around yourself without judgment. Mindful communication, in a way, is mindfulness happening in an interaction with another person. In mindful communication, you’re fully in the moment, aware of what the other person is saying – without the need to resist or judge it.
When you’re not fully in the moment, you may react to things, people, and situations as if on autopilot. Instead of consciously choosing your response, your brain does it for you. And because the brain’s reaction often comes from past conditioning, it may not always be in line with your highest intention about the kind of person you want to be.
Mindful communication helps you shift out of habitual reactions such as half-listening, shouting to get your point across, or using a passive-aggressive tone.
It also provides you with the space to respond to others in a compassionate way rather than being judgemental or demeaning out of habit or frustration.
And while communication is a two-way street, showing up for it effectively starts with ourselves. So here are some tips for practicing mindful communication to enhance your interactions with others.
Become present with your inner world
Before communicating with others, it’s essential to be mindful of what’s present within yourself. What state of mind are you in? Can you sense certain expectations, needs, or desires within yourself? If so, can you observe and acknowledge them with compassion?
Your motivations, feelings, and perceptions can drive what you say and how you listen. Bringing a sense of awareness to your own needs, expectations, or desires ahead of time can help you shift the way you respond to others’ words or actions.
When you’re disconnected from your true feelings, you may say things or respond in ways that you later regret. So it’s crucial to be aware of your inner state by taking a quick moment to pause. Simply notice what’s within and consider how that inner experience can color the way you treat others.
Get clear on your intention for the interaction
Actions speak louder than words. And so do intentions. When communicating with another, your intention is often more important than the exact words you speak. If you come to each conversation with the intent to truly listen, you’ll find it easier to adjust your words or behavior to match that intention.
Our minds have a natural urge to want to be heard. We may feel a tendency to share or assert our opinion. Noticing this is an integral first step in better communication. So in your next interaction, become more mindful of this tendency to be heard. Choose to communicate with the intention to understand or come to the point of agreement – or an agreement to disagree.
“If we stay motivated solely to give and receive compassionately, and do everything we can to let others know this is our only motive, they will join us in the process, and eventually we will be able to respond compassionately to one another.” - Marshall Rosenberg
As you notice the mind’s urge to assert its own truth, see if you can let go and bring your attention back to the present moment. This won’t always be easy – especially if you’re vulnerable or in the middle of a heated conversation.
Experiment with simply taking on being a listener while the other person is talking. Hold space for them and remain aware of what’s going on in your body until they complete their sharing.
Practice mindful listening
Listening is the most vital part of mindful communication. Without fully hearing what the other is saying, it’s impossible to respond fully as well.
Notice the difference when you’re genuinely listening or simply hearing. When you’re just hearing, you may already be trying to think of what you want to say next rather than acknowledging the other person’s feelings. Mindful listening requires the willingness to let go of this and instead turn the focus entirely on the other person.
At first, it may be challenging to let go of your desire to explain yourself or share your perspective as another is talking. Yet know that your turn will come. When you bring a genuine sense of curiosity to hear what the other has to say, you’ll instantly radiate and feel a greater sense of care and connection.
To become a better listener, practice noticing when thoughts, feelings, and expectations arise while another is speaking. Then decide to set them aside in the moment so you can listen more intently.
“Every conversation requires silence. Without it we can’t listen, and no real communication happens. The silence of listening isn’t forced or strained. It’s a natural quiet that arises from interest. When you want to smell a flower, what do you do? You get close, shut your eyes, and inhale slowly. Your mind grows still as you find the aroma. This is perhaps the most powerful way to listen: with full presence.” ― Oren Jay Sofer
Express your needs clearly to be fully heard
We all want to be heard, understood, and valued. So far, we’ve talked about mindful communication from being aware of the other persons’ needs. Your needs are just as important. So how can you make sure you communicate them clearly, compassionately, and authentically when it’s your turn to speak?
Here’s a helpful method based on the Nonviolent Communication Process (NVC) developed by Marshall Rosenberg:
Observe what the other person is doing or saying that you want to address. Articulate this observation to them without judgment.
Tune into how you feel as you observe this action. Does it make you feel frustrated, angry, scared, hurt, excited, or appreciated? Express your feelings clearly and honestly.
State clearly what you’re requesting from the other that you feel would enrich your life related to the feelings you just expressed.
Then pause and open into a state of receiving as the other person responds. Tune into their observations, feelings, and needs. Hear what they are requesting from you that would enrich their life. You’ll start feeling a more profound sense of compassion building between you two. Repeat this process as needed until you both feel heard and understood.
Be mindful of your nonverbal communication
Research shows that 70- 93% of communication is nonverbal. You’ve probably experienced this yourself when someone says something that sounds nice, but for some reason, it just doesn't “sit” well with you. You can sense their words don’t match their energy or body language.
You can often feel what another person wants to get across to you by noticing how they maintain themselves. Are they open, relaxed, or excited? Or do they seem tense and constricted, perhaps with crossed arms or clenched fists?
Before communicating, you can do simple mindfulness practices to get in touch with your body. This can include mindful breathing, noticing your posture, or a quick body scan. Is there a sense of tension anywhere? Do you feel a knot in your belly or your heart beating faster? See if you can be with these sensations without judgment. Get in touch with your heart and adjust your body posture to match what you want to express.
Recognize cultural differences and our shared humanity
We all come from different backgrounds with unique perspectives, behaviors, and customs. This diversity is what makes humanity beautiful. Yet, at the same time, it can cause tension if we don’t know to be aware of differences in communication styles and cultural traditions.
We often don’t realize how strongly our background influences our opinions, beliefs, actions and communication style. Something that may seem normal to you may feel uncomfortable or offensive to someone from a different background. This is why it’s essential to become aware of cultural customs when traveling abroad, for example.
The best place to start to make sure you don’t unintentionally hurt another’s feelings is to listen and learn more about them. And with each interaction, recognize our common humanity and our shared desires. We all want to be happy. We all want to feel loved, understood, and accepted. If you can interact with others from this space of humanity first and foremost, then more meaningful communications will arise.
Try some mindful communication and mindful listening exercises
Each of my Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) classes includes several different exercises and activities that empower you to effectively communicate with others through hands-on practice.
You get a chance to try a mindful communication exercise where you’ll practice communicating clearly and mindfully, even under a time constraint. Then you’ll sharpen your mindful listening technique and experience what it’s like to fully listen and be fully listened to. And to further deepen your mindful communication skills, we also practice mindful questioning.
Time to make a mindful change to your communication
Give these practices a try yourself! Enroll in my next Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) class to enjoy the benefits of healthy communication with others, a deeper connection to yourself, and a more profound sense of compassion.
