Silence Your Inner Critic and Gain Confidence to Be Your Authentic Self
An essential part of effective self-care is how you talk to yourself. Have you ever been brought down by that harsh and nagging voice in your head? If so, you’re not alone. Most people experience some form of negative self-talk in their life.
It manifests as a relentless inner critic that judges everything you do.
At work, it comes dressed as imposter syndrome. It whispers that you’re not qualified or that you don’t deserve to be compensated for the hard work you do! And in personal life, it may cause you to hold back from fully expressing your wants, needs, and desires to others.
But however the inner critic shows up in your life, there’s hope. You can train your mind to silence this voice and learn to focus on the good within yourself. Allowing you to boost resilience and confidence so you trust yourself and do more things that help you grow.
Where does your inner critic come from?
Part of the reason for this negative voice has to do with the natural wiring of your brain. Your built-in survival mechanism has a negativity bias. This means your brain’s always looking for ways to reduce potential danger.
Do you tend to ruminate on your mistakes more than being proud of your wins? That’s the negativity bias in action. It’s your inner critic pointing out failures - trying to protect you so they don’t happen again.
Overcoming this natural bias takes practice – but you can absolutely do it. To override the tendency to focus on what’s wrong, you have to train yourself to focus on what’s right. Through learning mindfulness in our Mindfulness Program, you learn to focus on the positive more often
“Until you stop breathing, there's more right with you than wrong with you.” - Jon Kabat-Zinn
Examine where your self-talk comes from
Your brain’s negativity bias contributes to the inner critic. But part of it also comes from your conditioning. Ever been told that you can’t do something right or that you’re not good enough? If it happened when you were a child, it’s probably stuck with you.
As children, we internalize everything we’re told until age 7. That’s when your brain is primarily in the alpha state, soaking everything up like a sponge.
You may not even be aware that most of your negative self-talk is not yours. It’s a reflection of how you’ve seen other people in your life - such as parents or teachers - talk to themselves.
It’s important to reflect on your past, becoming curious about your conditioning. Did you rarely receive recognition for the good things you did? If so, no wonder the inner critic seems so loud. It may be hard for you to acknowledge your wins if you’ve never been taught to do so. But this too can be changed.
What science says about motivating yourself with kindness
Initially, it might be counter-intuitive to think you’ll get more done if you’re nice to yourself. But motivating yourself with kindness is very effective. Psychology tells us that positive reinforcement is a stronger motivator than punishment.
Neuroscience also suggests that to promote a positive action or behavior, positive reinforcement works best. It activates the regions of the brain associated with taking action.
When you expect that your actions will lead to a reward - even if it’s a kind word or acknowledgment - you’re more excited about doing them.
As you acknowledge your wins, your brain gets a boost of dopamine. This creates the desire for more wins. But here’s something even deeper to consider: through mindfulness you recognize that you are ok even without those additional wins.
Give yourself credit for how far you’ve come
The more you recognize how much you’ve accomplished, the more you override the neural pathways of your inner critic. Take time to reflect on the past year, five years, and even ten years of your life. Think about how much you’ve grown.
You’ve demonstrated courage as you’ve overcome each obstacle in your life. You’ve been brave enough to start things that most people wouldn’t believe themselves capable of doing.
It’s time to give yourself the credit you deserve!
Acknowledge your wins every day – no matter how small. It can be helpful to keep a journal and take time each day to write down your successes.
Uplevel your self-care with positive evidence
Sometimes the best way to beat your inner critic is to challenge it with logic.
Your inner critic is an emotional part of you. It goes on and on stewing in its feelings of not self-doubt without thinking. You can counter this loop by taking a more objective approach. This way you also boost your emotional intelligence.
Try it with this simple exercise:
Make a list of your most common negative self-talk statements. Then on the other side, list positive counter-evidence that shows how each statement is false.
Here’s an example you can get started with:
Inner critic’s voice: I’m never doing enough.
Objective voice of reason - positive evidence: Over the past month, this is what I accomplished: Follow with your list.
Inner critic’s voice: I don’t help enough people.
Objective voice of reason - positive evidence: NAME mentioned how much I helped them.
Inner critic’s voice: Nobody appreciates the work that I do.
Objective voice of reason - positive evidence: NAME commented on how grateful they are for the work that I do.
Inner critic’s voice: I can never get it right.
Objective voice of reason - positive evidence: I was really proud of myself after completing ____.
Recognize that you are not your inner critic
Our classes start by exploring meditation and mindfulness. Here’s why. These practices give you the internal space to experience that you are not the voice in your head.
When you practice mindfulness, you notice your self-talk but you don’t identify with it. You witness thoughts going through your mind without judgement.
Your inner thoughts are simply phenomena passing through your awareness. You choose whether you give them attention or not.
When your inner critic pops up, you can decide to respond to it differently. Instead of being mad at it, see it for what it is: old conditioned thoughts. Your power is in this moment, not in those old thoughts.
*Pro Tip: You may even choose to give your inner critic a name to help you remember that you are not it.
Feel the relief of being a lifelong student
Does your inner critic ever say things like “you should know better by now?” When you make a mistake, it can be hard not to beat yourself up. But think of this as if you were a little child...still learning how to navigate this world.
You wouldn’t tell a baby it’s stupid because it can’t walk yet, would you? You’d encourage it when it takes the right steps. And this is exactly how you start treating yourself with more kindness - even when you make a mistake.
Nobody’s ever had all the answers from day one. But your inner critic might have perfectionist tendencies. It might insist that you should know how to do everything perfectly right now.
At the end of each day, ask yourself: Did I put in my best?
Your inner critic might be tempted to say you didn’t do enough. But when you recognize that you did your best, you immediately feel better.
“Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.” - Maya Angelou
Soothe yourself with self-compassion
When you notice your inner critic surface, practice self-compassion. This means practicing self-talk from a space of love rather than fear. It can transform how you see yourself, uplifting your confidence and joy.
Here are three ways to practice self-compassion based on the research of Dr. Kristin Neff who specializes in the field of self-compassion:
Self-kindness: meet yourself with kindness rather than judgement.
Common humanity: recognize that we all share common struggles - including that mean voice in our heads. Know you’re not alone in whatever you’re going through.
Mindfulness: notice that you’re not the negative and critical thoughts that pass through your mind.
Self-compassion and self-care go hand in hand.
When you value yourself enough to take care of yourself, you’re showing yourself compassion. When you show self-compassion, you’re taking care of your mental well-being, which naturally drives your physical well-being.
Not sure where to start with self-compassion or positive self-talk? Join us in our Stress Management Courses. MIndful Communication: Listening and Speaking with Awareness gives you the skills to have compassionate communication with yourself and others. We make becoming your own best friend fun and easy! Spots are limited - save yours today.
